On the outside, you look like you’ve got it all together.

You show up, get your work done, take care of everyone—and somehow keep crossing things off that endless to-do list. But inside? Maybe it feels like you’re barely holding on.

You might know what I mean:

- You’re anxious, always on edge

- Tired all the time, but real rest never comes

- Old memories keep tugging at you, no matter how hard you try to move on.

- Your body’s always complaining—aches, pains, difficulty eating, not sleeping.

Your body has been holding onto all that stress, trauma, neglect, or abuse over the years, and sooner or later, it starts to show.

- Chronic anxiety

- PTSD symptoms

- Systemic inflammation, pain, tension, and fatigue

It's not just about being tough or staying positive all the time. It’s about your nervous system.

In somatic therapy, we talk a lot about the window of tolerance—basically, it’s that sweet spot where your mind and body can handle stress without tipping into overload or completely shutting down. Figuring out where your window is (and when you’re outside it) is where healing begins.

Here’s what you’ll find in this blog:

- What the window of tolerance means

- The difference between being “stuck on,” “stuck off,” and what actually feels calm and okay

- A gentle self-reflection quiz so you can check in with yourself

- How somatic therapy, somatic experiencing, and parts work help widen your window

- How trauma-informed, body-based anxiety therapy and nervous system regulation give you real support

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What Is the Window of Tolerance?

The window of tolerance helps you make sense of how your nervous system deals with stress.

Inside the Window

When you’re inside your window, life feels more manageable:

- You’re present, actually here in the moment

- You can think and feel at the same time

- Sure, stress pops up, but it doesn’t drown you

- You bounce back after hard stuff

Your emotions—sadness, anger, joy—don’t totally swamp you or leave you numb. Your body doesn’t just react; it responds.

Outside the Window: “Stuck On” vs. “Stuck Off”

Trauma, early neglect, or years of chronic stress can shrink your window. Suddenly, you find yourself living outside of it—usually one way or the other:

“Stuck On” (Hyperarousal)

This is your fight or flight kicking in. It feels like:

- Anxiety, panic, always worrying

- Racing thoughts, overthinking, always prepping for disaster

- Trouble sleeping or relaxing—even when you’re dead tired

- Jaw clenching, tight shoulders, headaches, stomach issues

- Always “on,” always behind, never finished

A lot of high performers live here for years. You might look like you’re on top of things, but inside, you’re running on fumes.

“Stuck Off” (Hypoarousal)

This is the freeze or shutdown response. It might feel like:

- Numbness, emptiness

- Brain fog, feeling spaced out

- Hard to feel joy or connect with anyone

- Heavy, low energy

- Wanting to hide or disappear

- Going through the motions, but not really “here”

If you're familiar with early neglect or relational trauma, you might know exactly what I'm talking about. It isn’t laziness. Your nervous system is just trying to protect you when everything feels like too much.

Why Trauma and Chronic Stress Shrink Your Window

Your nervous system wants to keep you safe. Trauma, relentless stress, or never feeling truly seen or safe can wire your body for survival:

- Chronic anxiety and PTSD keep you “stuck on”

- Overwhelm that goes on too long pushes you toward “stuck off”

- Physical symptoms—tension, stomach problems, pain—are your body’s warning lights saying, “Enough.”

From a polyvagal-informed view, your system is always on the lookout: “Am I safe or not?” Somatic therapy doesn’t label you as broken. It gets that your reactions made sense, considering what you’ve been through.

Here’s the bright side: with the right help, you can expand your window of tolerance. You can learn to spot your patterns and slowly help your body feel safer, steadier, and stronger.

A Gentle Self-Reflection Quiz: Stuck On, Stuck Off, or Inside the Window?

This isn’t a diagnosis. It’s just a way to get curious about what your nervous system’s up to.

For each statement, rate how often it feels true:

- 0 = Almost never

- 1 = Sometimes

- 2 = Often

- 3 = Almost always

Add up your scores in each section.

Section A: “Stuck On” – Hyperarousal

1. I feel anxious, keyed up, or on edge most of the time.

2. My mind races, and it’s hard to “turn it off,” especially at night.

3. I feel a constant sense of urgency, like I’m always behind or not doing enough.

4. My body often feels tense (tight jaw, shoulders, back)

5. I have a hard time relaxing, even when I technically have time for it.

6. I get irritated or overwhelmed pretty easily, and sometimes I just snap.

7. I often worry about the future and imagine worst-case scenarios.

Total for Section A___

Section B: “Stuck Off” Hypoarousal

1. I often feel numb, flat, or completely disconnected from my emotions.

2. I feel exhausted, or heavy, even if I get enough sleep.

3. It’s hard to feel joy, interst, or motivation, even for things I used tocare about.

4. I zone out a lot, lose track of of time

5. I sometimes feel like I’m watching my life from the outside, not really in it.

6. When things get stressful, I tend to shut down or just disappear into myself.

7. Most days, I feel like I’m running on autopilot.

Total for Section B___

Section C: Inside the Window of Tolerance

1. I can usually notice when I’m stressed and do something that helps me settle.

2. I can feel my emotions without totally shutting down or getting overwhelmed.

3. I can recover from stressful events in a reasonable amount of time.

4. I feel pretty present in my body- not just numb or checked out all the time.

5. I can connect with people and feel a sense of safety or warmth.

6. I am able to say no and set boundaries, even though it is uncomfortable sometimes.

7. I get moments where my body feels calm or grounded, even if it doesn’t last all day.

Total for Section C___

Interpreting Your Scores

If you scored highest in Section A, stuck on, that probably means your system leans toward hyperarousal- always on edge, anxious, or feeling like you can’t slow down. If Section B, stuck off, is where your numbers stack up, you might notice more numbness, exhaustion, or shutdown. If Section C, inside the window, is highest, you’re probably spending more time in your window of tolerance. Also note, that we can go between being stuck on and being stuck off.

Most people don’t land in just one box. A lot of high performers swing between overdrive and crash, often without even realizing it. The real point of this quiz is just to help you notice how your nervous system responds- so you can start to see where somatic therapy might actually help.

How Somatic Therapy Helps Widen Your Window of Tolerance

Somatic therapy focuses on what your body is doing, not just your thoughts or stories. Instead of just talking things through, we pay attention to:

- Sensations (like tightness, warmth, heaviness, tingling)
- Your breath and those tiny movements you barely notice
- How your posture or muscle tone shifts
- Moments when you feel safe, relieved, or connected

We use the body to get into the deeper parts of the brain where trauma is stored.

What This Can Help With

For high achievers dealing with chronic anxiety, PTSD, or body-based symptoms, somatic therapy helps:

- Lower the intensity and frequency of anxiety and panic
- Guide your body out of constant fight, flight, or freeze
- Improve sleep and help you actually rest
- Ease chronic tension and pain linked to stress or trauma
- Build your ability to handle life without feeling overwhelmed all the time

In somatic experiencing and polyvagal-informed work, we don’t force your system to “go back” into trauma. We move at your pace, tracking subtle signs of safety and letting your nervous system experience something different: you really can feel more grounded, more connected, and less afraid in your own body.

Working with Stuck On, Stuck Off, and the In-Between

If Your System Is Often “Stuck On”

In somatic therapy, we might:

- Help you notice the early warning signs before things spike
- Practice gentle down-regulation: breath, grounding, feeling your feet, noticing the room around you
- Explore the parts of you that believe you have to stay “on” to be safe or worthy
- Support your nervous system so that you’re not running on anxiety alone

This is where anxiety therapy with a body-based approach really shines—we’re not just telling you to “think differently.” We help your system actually feel safer.

If Your System Is Often “Stuck Off”

Here, we take things slowly, because pushing too hard just makes things worse.

- We start with tiny moments of connection to your body that feel okay
- Notice those flashes of interest, warmth, or energy, and gently grow them
- Work with the parts of you that go numb to protect you from pain or criticism
- Offer co-regulation, so you don’t have to climb out of the numbness by yourself

Shutdown probably helped you survive at one point. We honor that. Then, step by step, we invite more aliveness—only as much as feels safe.

When You’re Inside the Window

We build on what’s already working:

- Help you spot and enjoy moments of regulation
- Practice skills that keep you in your window more often
- Anchor in body-based resources you can come back to when life gets tough

This is how your window of tolerance grows—so you can handle life with more resilience and less collapse.

How I Work: Somatic Therapy, Parts Work & Compassionate Inquiry

Somatic therapy is my main approach, and I bring in tools from different methods, always through a trauma-informed lens. I work online with adults in California, especially high-performing professionals who feel burned out, anxious, or weighed down by long-term trauma or early neglect.

If you are interested in working with me visit www.overcomeanxietytrauma.com to book a free consultation call.

When discussing trauma, most people immediately consider its emotional impact and the ways it influences mental functioning.

But for many high-functioning adults--first responders, professionals, caregivers--trauma often shows up in the body first.

It can look like chronic anxiety that won’t switch off,

Tight shoulders or a jaw that never fully relaxes.

It can also look like exhaustion and burnout, even when life “looks fine” from the outside.

Bessel van der Kolk says, “the body keeps the score,” meaning our nervous system retains the impact of overwhelming experiences even after our mind attempts to move on. If we look at that score, it is pretty clear that we are on the losing side.

Looking at trauma from a somatic point of view, it’s not just some old story we carry around; it actually gets stored in our muscles, how we breathe, our posture, and even in our nervous system in this very moment.

This is where somatic trauma therapy, body-based therapy, and nervous system regulation become powerful.

Rather than asking, “What’s wrong with me?”

we begin to ask, “What happened to me? What happened to my nervous system--and how can it be supported to complete now what it couldn’t complete then?”

The Science of Somatic Trauma: Freeze Response & Neurobiology

Fight, Flight, Freeze - and Why You Still Feel Stuck

When a threat occurs, your nervous system moves through fight, flight, or freeze to protect you if you had a secure enough childhood.

If you experienced neglect, abuse, or had a sick or mentally ill parent, your nervous system may have learned to freeze or fawn, as fighting or fleeing wasn't possible.

Peter Levine, founder of Somatic Experiencing (SE), observed that animals in the wild shake, tremble, and discharge energy after a near-death experience.

Humans, however, often override these natural responses--freezing, bracing, and then “getting on with it.” Often that is the only option for survival.

However, that unfinished survival energy doesn’t just disappear.

It can show up as:

Constant hypervigilance or scanning for danger

Difficulty relaxing even in safe environments

Numbness, disconnection from yourself and others, or feeling “far away”.

It can also show up as physical symptoms like tension, headaches, gut issues, and insomnia.

The Nervous System and Chronic Anxiety

Chronic anxiety and burnout are often less about “overthinking” and more about a nervous system stuck in survival mode. This is what Peter Levine calls “stuck on”.

I think of it as a “human doing” instead of a “human being”. It is like being a machine that just can’t shut off, there is this drive constantly to do more, be better, prove your worth.

There is a flip side to it though.

Trauma can lock you into chronic activation (anxiety, tension) or shutdown (numbness, collapse). Peter refers to the shutdown as being “stuck off.”

Polyvagal perspective: Your body is constantly asking, “Am I safe?”

Your heart rate, breathing, and gut respond to this question before you even realize it has been asked.

Body memory: As van der Kolk emphasizes, trauma is stored as sensations, impulses, and patterns of tension, not just images or words.

Somatic trauma therapy works with these physiological patterns rather than trying to convince your body with logic alone.

Expert Insights on Somatic Trauma

Peter Levine on “Pendulation”

Peter Levine’s Somatic Experiencing introduces the concept of pendulation--the gentle movement between states of discomfort and states of relative safety or ease.

Instead of diving straight into the most painful memories, we:

First locate islands of safety in the body (warmth in the hands, solidness of the feet on the floor, a sense of support from the chair).

Then briefly touch into a difficult sensation (tight throat, racing heart, pressure in the chest).

Then return to the safer sensation.

Over time, this back-and-forth helps the nervous system discharge trapped survival energy and expand your capacity to be with what previously felt overwhelming.

Bessel van der Kolk on Body Memory

Bessel van der Kolk’s work highlights that trauma is more than a memory problem--it’s a body-based learning problem.

The body has learned:

“I’m not safe,” even when your rational mind knows you are.

“I must stay braced,” even when nothing is happening right now.

This is why purely cognitive approaches can feel limited: you might understand why you’re anxious but still feel hijacked by your body. van der Kolk shares that when we experience chronic trauma our frontal lobe is greatly impacted. The activity in that region of the brain is greatly reduced and activity in the limbic system increases.

Somatic and body-based therapies help update the body’s expectations of danger, so it can learn that certain present-moment experiences are actually safe.

Gabor Mate on Mind-Body Connections

Gabor Mate emphasizes how unprocessed emotional pain and stress can manifest as physical symptoms and chronic illness.

He points to how many high-functioning, caring, competent adults carry:

A deep tendency to ignore their own needs

A backlog of stress in the body

A belief that “pushing through” is the only option

From this lens, chronic anxiety, burnout, and tension are not character flaws.

They are expressions of a nervous system that has adapted to survive environments where it didn’t feel consistently safe or seen.

Healing involves reconnecting with your body’s signals--not as enemies to suppress, but as messages to listen to.

Somatic Techniques for Anxiety & Nervous System Regulation

David Grand’s Brainspotting

Brainspotting, developed by David Grand, works with the idea that “where you look affects how you feel.”

It uses specific eye positions (or “brainspots”) to access deep emotional and somatic material stored subcortically--below conscious thought.

In practice, this can look like:

Tracking a spot in your visual field while noticing sensations, emotions, and impulses

Allowing your body and nervous system to process at a pace that feels organic and less “forced”

Supporting the release of long-held anxiety, shock, or tension

For many high-functioning adults, Brainspotting can feel less intrusive than retelling traumatic stories; the focus is on body sensations and internal shifts, rather than detailed verbal recounting.

Dr. Aimie Apigian on Nervous System Reset

Dr. Aimie Apigian’s work centers on the concept of nervous system reset--helping people move out of chronic survival states into greater regulation and connection.

This involves:

Recognizing survival patterns (freeze, shutdown, hyperarousal)

Learning bottom-up tools to bring the system back toward safety (breathwork, orienting, gentle movement, co-regulation)

Understanding that nervous system dysregulation is not a personal failing but a biological adaptation

In therapy or coaching with a somatic focus, these insights translate into practical practices to:

Downshift chronic anxiety and tension

Rebuild capacity for rest, joy, and connection

Prevent and recover from burnout more effectively

Allowing your system to trust that it doesn’t have to be “on alert” 24/7

Cultivating embodied safety is especially important for first responders and high-responsibility professionals whose bodies are trained to stay on high alert.

Somatic work helps you turn off the alarm system when you’re no longer actively in danger.

Healing Pathways: Why Somatic Therapy Often Reaches What Talk Therapy Can’t

Traditional talk therapy can be deeply valuable for insight, meaning-making, and relationships.

But when trauma and anxiety are encoded in the nervous system and body, insight alone may not shift:

Chronic muscle tension

Startle responses

Sleep disturbances

Persistent anxiety or burnout

Somatic trauma therapy and body-based therapy add a crucial dimension by:

Working bottom-up (from body to brain), not just top-down (from thoughts to body)

Helping your system complete survival responses that were interrupted

Expanding your window of tolerance, so you can feel more without becoming overwhelmed

In Shay’s work, these somatic approaches are integrated with:

Somatic Experiencing (SE) - to gently release stored survival energy

EMDR - to reprocess and integrate traumatic experiences

Compassionate Inquiry - (inspired by Gabor Mate’s approach) to explore the roots of patterns with curiosity instead of shame

Brainspotting - to access and resolve deep, subcortical trauma responses

Neurofeedback - to support brain regulation and nervous system balance

Psychedelic-Assisted Psychotherapy (where appropriate and legal) - to deepen and accelerate embodied healing in a safe, guided way

For many people, this integrated, somatic and trauma-informed approach reaches symptoms that have been resistant to traditional talk therapy alone--especially chronic anxiety, tension, and burnout.

Work with Shay

If you recognize yourself in this--high-functioning on the outside, but anxious, tense, or burned out on the inside--there is nothing “wrong” with you.

Your nervous system has been doing its best to protect you.

With the right support, it can learn that it’s finally safe to unwind.

Shay is a licensed therapist in California and a coach for clients elsewhere.

She is a:

Certified Compassionate Inquiry Practitioner

Certified Somatic Psychedelic Facilitator

Certified Brainspotter

In advanced training in Somatic Experiencing (SE)

She integrates Somatic Experiencing, EMDR, Compassionate Inquiry, Brainspotting, Neurofeedback, and Psychedelic-Assisted Psychotherapy to support:

High-functioning adults with anxiety and trauma

First responders and helping professionals

Those struggling with chronic anxiety, tension, and burnout, or chronic health issues due to trauma.

If you want to explore somatic trauma therapy, body-based therapy, and nervous system regulation in a safe and compassionate environment, you can

:

Book a session using the link at www.overcomeanxietytrauma.com, or

Call 858-321-6355 to schedule a consultation call with Shay.

Your body has carried you this far.

It doesn’t have to keep carrying everything alone.

y

Get my free workbook now and sign up for the course waiting list here.

https://oatshay-1741571005.subpage.co/881-1eab72af

I. Executive Summary

This briefing synthesizes insights from leading experts like Bessel van der Kolk, Gabor Maté, and Peter Levine on the pervasive nature of trauma. It highlights that trauma is not merely an external event but an internal wound that profoundly shapes an individual's psyche, physiology, and relationships. A key theme is the universality of trauma, often manifesting as shame, guilt, and a disconnection from one's authentic self and body. The documents emphasize that while trauma is deeply impactful, it is not a life sentence, and healing is possible through understanding, secure attachment, and processing repressed emotions.

II. Main Themes and Key Ideas

1. Trauma as an Internal Wound, Not Just an External Event

• Definition of Trauma: Trauma is an "inner injury, a lasting rupture or split within the self due to difficult or hurtful events" (Maté, "GABOR MATÉ - Penguin Books"). It is "not what happens to you but what happens inside you" (Maté, "GABOR MATÉ - Penguin Books").

• Impact on Self-Narrative: Trauma, especially from early childhood, profoundly shapes a client's self-narrative, leading to deep, debilitating feelings of shame (van der Kolk, "Bessel van der Kolk, MD On Trauma-Induced Shame - NICABM").

• Internalization of the Perpetrator: The original perpetrator "comes to live inside of you," manifesting as an internal critic that dictates self-control and fuels self-blame (van der Kolk, "Bessel van der Kolk, MD On Trauma-Induced Shame - NICABM").

2. The Pervasiveness and Universality of Trauma

• Beyond Catastrophic Events: While commonly associated with "catastrophic events: hurricanes, abuse, egregious neglect, and war," trauma "pervades our culture" (Maté, "GABOR MATÉ - Penguin Books").

• "Big-T" vs. "Small-t" Trauma:"Capital-T trauma" involves "automatic responses and mind-body adaptations to specific, identifiable hurtful and overwhelming events" like abuse or severe neglect, which often underlie mental illness and physical predispositions (Maté, "GABOR MATÉ - Penguin Books").

• "Small-t trauma" refers to the "less memorable but hurtful and far more prevalent misfortunes of childhood," such as bullying, harsh comments, or a lack of sufficient emotional connection, which also lead to disconnection from the self (Maté, "GABOR MATÉ - Penguin Books").

• Trauma Spectrum: Everyone exists "on the broad and surprisingly inclusive trauma spectrum," indicating that someone without the marks of trauma would be an outlier in society (Maté, "GABOR MATÉ - Penguin Books").

• "Trauma is when we are not seen and known" (van der Kolk, cited in Maté, "GABOR MATÉ - Penguin Books").

3. Trauma's Manifestations: Shame, Guilt, Fear, and Disconnection

• Childhood Self-Blame and Shame: Children who experience abuse or neglect automatically make meaning of the world by blaming themselves, believing "it's because I'm a bad person and because I have bad thoughts and I do bad things." This leads to pervasive shame in anyone with relational trauma (van der Kolk, "Bessel van der Kolk, MD On Trauma-Induced Shame - NICABM"). The most hurtful aspect is not what was done to them, but "how ashamed they feel about their own reactions" (van der Kolk, "Bessel van der Kolk, MD On Trauma-Induced Shame - NICABM").

• Persistent Shame and Guilt: People with trauma scars "almost uniformly develop a shame-based view of themselves at the core" (Maté, "GABOR MATÉ - Penguin Books"). This can manifest as self-assaulting shame, disguised as personal responsibility, or even as grandiosity and narcissism (Maté, "GABOR MATÉ - Penguin Books").

• Disconnection from the Body and Feelings: Trauma leads to self-estrangement, where one may not know "how or what one feels" (Maté, "GABOR MATÉ - Penguin Books"). This disconnect, initially a coping mechanism to survive unbearable pain, becomes a "constriction of the self, both physical and psychological," limiting one's inborn capacities (Maté, "GABOR MATÉ - Penguin Books").

• Distorted Worldview: Trauma "imposes a worldview tinged with pain, fear, and suspicion," or, conversely, a "naively rosy perspective that blinds us to real and present dangers" (Maté, "GABOR MATÉ - Penguin Books").

• Alienation from the Present: Trauma fosters a constant seeking of escape from oneself, leading to being "caught up in pursuits of all kinds that draw us on not because they are necessary or inspiring or uplifting... but simply because they obliterate the present" (Maté, "GABOR MATÉ - Penguin Books").

4. The Body Keeps the Score: Physiological Impact of Trauma

• Trauma is Embodied: "The trauma is how the past is alive and well and living in your body in 2022. It's happening right now" (van der Kolk, "Bessel van der Kolk, MD On Trauma-Induced Shame - NICABM"). Trauma is "lodged in our nervous system, mind, and body, lasting long past the originating incident(s), triggerable at any moment" (Maté, "GABOR MATÉ - Penguin Books").

• Psychosomatic Connection: "Virtually all illness, if not psychosomatic in foundation, has a definite psychosomatic component" (Candace Pert, cited in Maté, "GABOR MATÉ - Penguin Books"). This highlights the "oneness of the human psyche (mind and spirit) and the soma (the body)" (Maté, "GABOR MATÉ - Penguin Books").

• Nervous System Dysregulation: Trauma "resets the nervous system," leading to chronic stress and affecting the autonomic nervous system's ability to scan for safety, danger, and life-threat (Somatic Experiencing Trauma Institute, "Sample: Somatic Experiencing Trauma Institute"). This can result in states of "Fight-or-Flight" (Sympathetic Mobilization) or "Immobilization" (Dorsal Vagal Response, e.g., collapse, freeze, shame), rather than the "Safe & Engaged" state (Ventral Vagal Response) (Capstone Treatment Center, "Endangered Potential - Professionals Health Network").

• Impact on Immune System: Emotional stresses and trauma can "inhibit key defenses against unrestrained cell growth" and lead to reduced effectiveness of natural killer cells, increasing the risk of various cancers and autoimmune conditions (Maté, "GABOR MATÉ - Penguin Books").

5. Addiction as a Coping Mechanism

• Survival Attempt: Addiction behaviors are "survival attempts—like a life-jacket that saves you in whitewater, then turns to stone & drowns you" (Capstone Treatment Center, "Endangered Potential - Professionals Health Network").

• Avoidance Pattern: Addiction is "an avoidance pattern" and a "coping mechanism used to avoid pain, emptiness, fear, and distress" (Capstone Treatment Center, "Endangered Potential - Professionals Health Network").

• Not the Experience, But the Expectation: "The addiction is not to the experience, but to the expectation of what the experience will do" (Capstone Treatment Center, "Endangered Potential - Professionals Health Network"). This is characterized by an "Anticipation or Preoccupation Phase."

• Dopamine Depletion: From a neurobiological perspective, "full-blown addiction" is a "severe dopamine depletion condition," where individuals are "using just to feel normal" (Capstone Treatment Center, "Endangered Potential - Professionals Health Network").

6. Pathways to Healing and Wholeness

• Revisiting Childhood Trauma: Healing involves revisiting childhood situations to understand that a child's reactions were due to fear or smallness, rather than personal failing. This reframes self-blame into self-compassion (van der Kolk, "Bessel van der Kolk, MD On Trauma-Induced Shame - NICABM").

• Secure Attachment: Secure attachment-based relationships are crucial for healing, providing a "place of security from which I can explore & grow," a "refuge for comfort, support, and protection," and a "haven when needing protection when threatened" (Capstone Treatment Center, "Endangered Potential - Professionals Health Network"). A key aspect is the "Confidence that Repair will follow Rupture" (Capstone Treatment Center, "Endangered Potential - Professionals Health Network").

• Somatic Experiencing (SE): SE is a "psychobiological method for resolving trauma symptoms and relieving chronic stress" by "reset[ting] the nervous system, restor[ing] inner balance, enhanc[ing] resilience to stress, and increas[ing] people’s vitality, equanimity, and capacity to actively engage in life" (Somatic Experiencing Trauma Institute, "Sample: Somatic Experiencing Trauma Institute"). It works by allowing the body to "engage, complete, and resolve—in a slow and supported way—the body’s instinctual fight, flight and freeze responses" without requiring re-telling or re-living the traumatic event (Somatic Experiencing Trauma Institute, "Sample: Somatic Experiencing Trauma Institute").

• Kintsugi Process (Rupture and Repair): This analogy describes how trauma ruptures the "Original Self." Choosing to repair "spiritually, neurophysiologically, and relationally" allows the self and relationships to be "resurrected and transformed into a better state & we live out of our Masterpiece Identity" (Capstone Treatment Center, "Endangered Potential - Professionals Health Network"). The "Rupture & Repair process is the prototypical process for living a healthy, good & full life" (Capstone Treatment Center, "Endangered Potential - Professionals Health Network").

• Responsibility and Agency: Seeing trauma as an internal dynamic "grants us much-needed agency." This allows for healing and reconnection, moving beyond a "rock-hard identity" forged by trauma (Maté, "GABOR MATÉ - Penguin Books").

• Questioning "Normal": Much of what is considered "normal" in society is "neither healthy nor natural" (Maté, "GABOR MATÉ - Penguin Books"). Illness can be seen as a "normal consequence of abnormal, unnatural circumstances," acting as "living alarms" directing attention to societal flaws (Maté, "GABOR MATÉ - Penguin Books"). Healing begins by "lift[ing] the veil of common knowledge and received wisdom" and "unfastening the myths that keep the status quo locked in place" (Maté, "GABOR MATÉ - Penguin Books").

III. Conclusion

The sources collectively present a powerful and consistent message: trauma is a fundamental, widespread aspect of the human condition, deeply impacting our physical and mental health, often outside of conscious awareness. It fosters feelings of shame and disconnects individuals from their authentic selves and present experiences. However, the emerging understanding of trauma and the interconnectedness of mind and body offers concrete pathways to healing, emphasizing the critical role of secure relationships, self-compassion, and embodied therapeutic approaches like Somatic Experiencing to move from a "Toxic Shame Identity" to a "Masterpiece Identity."

This briefing document synthesizes key insights from the provided sources on people-pleasing and fawning behaviors, exploring their origins, characteristics, impacts, and strategies for healing.

I. Defining People-Pleasing and Fawning: Survival Mechanisms

People-pleasing is a behavioral pattern where individuals "prioritize others’ needs, desires, or approval over their own well-being and emotional health." This is often driven by "a fear of rejection, conflict, or disappointing others." (Breaking Free from People-Pleasing) It is not an act of kindness or generosity, but rather "an act of self-protection." (The Cost of People-Pleasing)

Fawning is a specific trauma response within the "fight, flight, freeze, and fawn" framework. It involves "reflexively pleas[ing] others to avoid perceived danger, rejection, or abandonment, and to control what’s happening." (The Cost of People-Pleasing) Fawning can "look like being caring, but there’s fear underneath it. It’s emotional self-defense." (The Cost of People-Pleasing)

Both people-pleasing and fawning are deeply ingrained survival mechanisms, often stemming from childhood experiences. As one source notes, "Our need to please is actually more of a need to belong. And our need to belong was probably written in our DNA millions of years ago." (Why People-Pleasing Is a Common Human Instinct) In prehistoric times, not being accepted by a group could mean death, a primal fear that persists in modern behavior. (Why People-Pleasing Is a Common Human Instinct)

II. Origins and Root Causes

The sources consistently highlight childhood experiences and trauma as primary drivers of people-pleasing and fawning:

• Conditional Love and Unmet Needs: "When our little hearts learn early on that love is conditional (think: 'You’re only lovable if you smile and don’t rock the boat'), we tend to morph into people pleasers as adults." (The Link Between Childhood Trauma and Adult Fawning Behavior) Codependency, often linked to people-pleasing, also arises from "childhood trauma and unmet emotional needs." (What Causes Codependency)

• Dysfunctional Family Dynamics: Growing up in "invalidating or abusive environments" or families where "love was conditional" can lead individuals to become "hyper-attuned to everyone’s moods to know whether the conditions were good for you to be loved." (How People-Pleasing Damages Self-Worth; The Cost of People-Pleasing)

• Narcissistic Environments: Individuals exposed to narcissistic parents or step-parents may learn to fawn to "stay in his good graces, to make his happy moods last a little bit longer," even "swallowing my rage." (What Is the Fawning Trauma Response?)

• Avoidance of Conflict and Danger: The behavior develops "to stay safe" and to avoid "pushback" or "conflict." (The Cost of People-Pleasing; The Link Between Childhood Trauma and Adult Fawning Behavior)

• Anxious Attachment Style: People-pleasing behavior is strongly associated with an anxious attachment style. Anxiously attached individuals "worry about the loss of close relationships, so they may engage in certain behaviors that are motivated by feelings of insecurity." (How Attachment Theory Can Explain People-Pleasing Behaviors) They crave intimacy and "cling to their partners (or friends) to seek emotional support." (How Attachment Theory Can Explain People-Pleasing Behaviors) Rejection triggers anxiety, leading them to use people-pleasing as a "seemingly useful tool to maintain close relationships." (How Attachment Theory Can Explain People-Pleasing Behaviors)

• Internalized Negative Self-Beliefs: Childhood experiences can be "internalized as negative self-beliefs that wind up limiting our ability to trust in ourselves," leading to a mindset that "to be 'perfect' we need to turn to others for approval and validation." (How People-Pleasing Damages Self-Worth)

III. Characteristics and Manifestations

People-pleasing and fawning behaviors present in various ways:

• Prioritizing Others: Consistently putting "others’ needs, desires, or approval over their own well-being." (Breaking Free from People-Pleasing)

• Fear of Rejection/Abandonment: The underlying fear driving many of these behaviors. (Breaking Free from People-Pleasing; The Cost of People-Pleasing; How People-Pleasing Damages Self-Worth; Why People-Pleasing Is a Common Human Instinct)

• Difficulty Saying No: Saying "yes when you’d rather say no" and struggling to "establish limits." (The Cost of People-Pleasing; Breaking Free from People-Pleasing)

• Over-Apologizing: Constantly saying "I’m sorry" even "when it’s not your fault." (The Link Between Childhood Trauma and Adult Fawning Behavior; The Cost of People-Pleasing)

• Emotional Sponge/Neglecting Own Needs: "Soak[ing] up everyone else’s feelings while neglecting your own" and losing "track of your own needs." (The Link Between Childhood Trauma and Adult Fawning Behavior)

• Chameleon Act/Shapeshifting: "Constantly adjusting your opinions or behaviors to fit in with others" or taking on others' likes and dislikes "to avoid pushback." (The Link Between Childhood Trauma and Adult Fawning Behavior; The Cost of People-Pleasing)

• Over-Achievement: An "insatiable need to prove oneself" to feel loved or worthy. (The Link Between Childhood Trauma and Adult Fawning Behavior)

• Hyper-Independence (Paradoxically): While people-pleasing often involves reliance on others for validation, some trauma responses include "hyper-independence" where individuals "rarely or never ask for help," stemming from a "fear of relying on others." (10 Things You Didn't Know Were Trauma Responses; The Cost of People-Pleasing) This is the "flip side of being hyper-dependent on others." (10 Things You Didn't Know Were Trauma Responses)

• Emotional Numbness/Dissociation: Trauma can lead to "an absence of emotions," "low emotional intelligence, and a lack of emotional awareness." Dissociation is a response that causes disconnection "from ourselves... emotions and experiences, struggling to remember our past, or having a sense that the world around us is unreal." (10 Things You Didn't Know Were Trauma Responses)

• Victim Mentality (Related): Trauma responses can also include a "victim mentality," characterized by "hopelessness, dejection, and shame," and a struggle to "make decisions and acknowledge the power they do have." (10 Things You Didn't Know Were Trauma Responses)

IV. Detrimental Impacts

The costs of these behaviors are significant and far-reaching:

• Damage to Self-Worth and Identity: People-pleasing "negatively affects many areas of a person’s life including... a deep sense of guilt and shame [and] Negative impact on self-worth and self-esteem." (How People-Pleasing Damages Self-Worth) Individuals may "question who they 'are' outside of seeking approval from others" and struggle with a "lack of self-identity." (How People-Pleasing Damages Self-Worth; Breaking Free from People-Pleasing)

• Vulnerability to Manipulation and Abuse: Adults with people-pleasing histories are "more vulnerable to being manipulated in abusive or narcissistic relationships." (How People-Pleasing Damages Self-Worth) This can lead to being "taken advantage of." (How Attachment Theory Can Explain People-Pleasing Behaviors)

• Internalized Anger and Resentment: Instead of expressing anger externally, people-pleasers "turn their anger and resentment inward at themselves" and "become resentful, exhausted, or blame others for what we do and don’t do." (How People-Pleasing Damages Self-Worth; The Cost of People-Pleasing)

• Unhealthy and Unbalanced Relationships: Relationships become "unbalanced and fragile" as people-pleasers "inhibit, conceal, or fail to advocate for their own needs." (How Attachment Theory Can Explain People-Pleasing Behaviors) This prevents "a deep give-and-take dynamic" necessary for healthy interdependence. (The Cost of People-Pleasing) People-pleasers may also experience "low satisfaction in their friendships." (How Attachment Theory Can Explain People-Pleasing Behaviors)

• Stress, Anxiety, and Depression: The constant effort to maintain a façade can lead to exhaustion, "stress & Anxiety," and struggles with "depression." (The Link Between Childhood Trauma and Adult Fawning Behavior; How People-Pleasing Damages Self-Worth; What Causes Codependency)

• Over-Obligation and Inability to Make Decisions: Difficulty managing tasks due to "over-obligation" and an "inability to make decisions on their own." (How People-Pleasing Damages Self-Worth)

• Boundary Issues: A constant inability to "create healthy boundaries," leading to them being "constantly overstepped." (How People-Pleasing Damages Self-Worth)

• Risky Behaviors: Anxiously attached people-pleasers are "more likely to engage in risky conformity, such as risk-taking behaviors," including "alcohol consumption or substance use," to maintain friendships, even if it's detrimental to their health. (How Attachment Theory Can Explain People-Pleasing Behaviors)

V. Strategies for Healing and Recovery

Breaking free from people-pleasing and fawning is a process of "self-discovery and learning who you are outside of others' opinions." (How People-Pleasing Damages Self-Worth) Key strategies include:

• Self-Awareness and Reflection:"Reflect on your behaviors and identify patterns where you prioritize others’ needs over your own." (Breaking Free from People-Pleasing)

• "Recognize Your Triggers": Understand what situations or relationships activate these responses. (The Link Between Childhood Trauma and Adult Fawning Behavior)

• "Keep an emotional journal" to "identify patterns and triggers." (The Link Between Childhood Trauma and Adult Fawning Behavior)

• "Use your body as a barometer" to tune into internal signals (e.g., tightness for "no," expansive for "yes"). (The Cost of People-Pleasing)

• Setting Boundaries and Assertiveness:"Learn to say no and establish limits that protect your well-being." (Breaking Free from People-Pleasing)

• "Practice Assertiveness": Start small by saying no to trivial things. (The Link Between Childhood Trauma and Adult Fawning Behavior)

• "Create Emotional Boundaries": Identify acceptable behaviors and communicate them clearly and consistently. (The Link Between Childhood Trauma and Adult Fawning Behavior)

• Learn the "power of pausing" by saying, "Let me think about it" or "I have a 24-hour decision-making policy." (The Cost of People-Pleasing)

• "Polite rejection can be regarded as a tool for self-assertiveness." (How Attachment Theory Can Explain People-Pleasing Behaviors)

• Cultivating Self-Compassion and Self-Care:"Treat yourself with kindness and understand that your needs are valid." (Breaking Free from People-Pleasing)

• "Be your own biggest cheerleader instead of a harsh critic." (The Link Between Childhood Trauma and Adult Fawning Behavior)

• "Prioritize Self-Care": Make activities that recharge you non-negotiable. (The Link Between Childhood Trauma and Adult Fawning Behavior)

• Give "yourself permission to have needs." (The Link Between Childhood Trauma and Adult Fawning Behavior)

• Prioritizing Self and Needs:"Put yourself first. Treat yourself to whatever pleases you." (Why People-Pleasing Is a Common Human Instinct)

• Consciously "prioritize their needs or at least notice their interests before responding to others’ requests." (How Attachment Theory Can Explain People-Pleasing Behaviors)

• Seeking Professional Support:"Consider therapy or support groups to understand your people-pleasing parts and to focus on codependency recovery." (Breaking Free from People-Pleasing)

• Therapists can help "unpack your needs and... facilitate your empowerment through self-discovery." (How People-Pleasing Damages Self-Worth)

• Specialized trauma therapists use modalities like Somatic Therapy, EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Narrative Therapy, and Attachment-Based Therapy to address root causes and build healthy coping mechanisms. (Overcome Anxiety & Trauma with Shay; The Link Between Childhood Trauma and Adult Fawning Behavior; What Causes Codependency)

• Therapy provides a safe space for "vulnerability," allowing individuals to practice assertiveness and learn that "expressing needs isn’t selfish." (The Link Between Childhood Trauma and Adult Fawning Behavior)

• Reclaiming Autonomy and Self-Reliance:Individuals need to "restore their self-reliance and autonomy" by "building confidence and making decisions that align with their goals and values." (What Causes Codependency)

• Understanding the Cycle: Being "aware that attachment styles are changeable and that people-pleasing is not a desirable tool to cultivate a healthy relationship" is crucial. (How Attachment Theory Can Explain People-Pleasing Behaviors) The cycle can "intensify the feeling of anxiety" and lead to "low self-esteem and frequent feelings of regret." (How Attachment Theory Can Explain People-Pleasing Behaviors)

The journey to overcome these patterns is "not linear" and "takes time and patience." (The Link Between Childhood Trauma and Adult Fawning Behavior) "Recognizing the signs of fawn response is just the beginning! It’s not about perfection; it’s about progress." (The Link Between Childhood Trauma and Adult Fawning Behavior)

Work with Shay. Email shay@overcomeanxietytrauma.com

What frightens me is I’ve got information that Insurance companies are partnering with “Therapy Brokers” like GROW, Better Help, Alma, and others to create Therapy AI for their clients.

Currently there are disclaimers about not using ChatGPT etc… for mental health care so I am curious who will be liable, responsible, for client safety?

Let me know what you think.

https://overcomeanxietytrauma.com/neurofeedback-for-brain-training-what-is-it-is-it-right-for-me/

https://overcomeanxietytrauma.com/breaking-free-your-journey-to-healing-childhood-trauma/

Get my free people-pleasing workbook by going to https://shorturl.at/ycYaI

**Spoiler: People-pleasing isn’t a personality trait—it’s a survival strategy.**

If you've ever RSVP’d “yes” while crying inside, this one’s for you. Download this playful (but painfully real) intro to *Breaking Free from People-Pleasing*—because being “nice” shouldn't cost you your sanity.

This workbook is a great tool on its own, but is also an introduction to my upcoming short digital course on people-pleasing. I can help you find your more authentic life.

Hope to see you there!

Warmly,

Shay

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If you are interested in healing your generational trauma email Shay@overcomeanxietytrauma.com for a complementary consultation call to see if I am a good fit. If not, I know a lot of great therapists to help you find the one.

Healing IS possible!

My mom taught us that all we had was each other and to stick close to each other. That was ingrained and an unspoken rule.

I’ve had to develop some boundaries with family over the past years and have received passive-aggressive pushback for having them.

I’ve had comments made like, “No wonder ___ thinks you don’t love her”.

I'm realizing that I can prioritize myself over others since they are adults and capable of taking care of themselves though they aren’t.

It can feel lonely and difficult when you choose to break up with dysfunctional family dynamics. There is grief that I need to make this kind of choice to take care of myself and that isn’t talked about enough.

There would also be grief if I abandoned myself. I am doing things differently in this latter part of my life.

Have you had similar experiences when setting boundaries with others? What were your takeaways about how you handled things? How did it resolve?

Maybe you have been told you are a People Pleaser but how do you know, and how do you stop?

You say yes when you mean no. You overextend yourself to avoid conflict. You feel an almost compulsive need to be liked. Sound familiar? If so, you might be a people pleaser. But here’s the thing—this isn’t just a “personality trait” or a cute quirk. It’s often a deeply ingrained survival response, rooted in trauma.

People-pleasing is frequently tied to the fawn response, a lesser-known trauma response alongside fight, flight, and freeze. Instead of fighting back or running away, fawn types seek safety through appeasement—making themselves small, agreeable, and hyper-attuned to others’ needs at the expense of their own.

But where does this come from, and how can you start to break free? Let’s explore the signs, the science, and the healing.

1. You Apologize—A Lot

Ever find yourself saying “I’m sorry” for things that aren’t remotely your fault? Someone bumps into you, and you apologize. A coworker misses a deadline, and somehow you feel responsible. Chronic over-apologizing is a telltale sign of a fawn response.

According to Dr. Gabor Maté, a leading expert in trauma and addiction, “Trauma is not what happens to you, but what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you.” If you grew up in an environment where love or approval was conditional—where keeping the peace meant staying emotionally safe—your nervous system likely adapted by prioritizing other people’s comfort over your own.

The Science Behind It

Studies show that childhood emotional neglect can lead to heightened shame sensitivity, making people more prone to over-apologizing. A 2019 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that individuals with a history of childhood emotional neglect were more likely to over-apologize, even in neutral situations.

2. You Feel Responsible for Other People’s Feelings

You can’t control how someone else feels, but try telling that to a people pleaser. If a friend is upset, you immediately wonder what you did wrong. If a coworker is stressed, you feel the need to fix it.

Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score, explains that trauma survivors often become hypervigilant to the emotions of those around them. This heightened awareness isn’t kindness—it’s a survival strategy developed in environments where the slightest shift in someone’s mood could mean danger.

The Science Behind It

Research on adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) suggests that individuals with higher ACE scores are more likely to develop hypervigilance and over-functioning in relationships. A 2021 study from the Journal of Traumatic Stressfound that those with high ACE scores often struggle with emotional boundaries and take on a caregiving role as a means of feeling safe.

3. You Struggle to Say No (Even When You Desperately Want To)

Your schedule is overflowing, your energy is drained, and yet—you still agree to bake cookies for the school fundraiser, cover a coworker’s shift, or listen to a friend vent for hours.

This struggle often stems from a deep-seated fear of rejection or abandonment, a hallmark of relational trauma. According to Dr. Peter Levine, founder of Somatic Experiencing, “Trauma is not in the event itself, but in the nervous system.” If your body associates saying no with losing connection or facing conflict, it will push you to keep saying yes—no matter how much you resent it.

The Science Behind It

Neuroscientific research shows that chronic people-pleasing activates the same stress pathways as physical danger. When people who struggle with boundaries try to say no, their amygdala (the brain’s fear center) fires up, triggering a stress response. In other words, it’s not just emotional discomfort—it’s a biological reaction.

4. You Feel Anxious When Someone Is Upset with You

One mildly irritated text from a friend, and suddenly your brain spirals: Are they mad at me? What did I do wrong? Should I send a follow-up message?

People pleasers often experience rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD), an intense emotional response to perceived disapproval. If you grew up in a household where anger was unpredictable or explosive, your nervous system likely learned that conflict = danger. Now, even minor tension can send your body into fight-or-flight mode.

The Science Behind It

Brain imaging studies show that rejection activates the same neural pathways as physical pain. A 2011 study from the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that social rejection triggers activity in the anterior cingulate cortex, the same region activated by physical injury.

5. You Prioritize Others’ Needs Over Your Own (At Your Own Expense)

It’s not just that you don’t just put others first—you put yourself last. You cancel personal plans to accommodate someone else. It is more important not to “rock the boat” than to honor your own desires. You’re exhausted, but you keep pushing through because taking a break feels selfish.

This is classic fawn trauma response behavior. Your brain and body learned that your worth is tied to how useful, agreeable, and self-sacrificing you are. Breaking free from this pattern isn’t just about setting boundaries—it’s about rewiring your nervous system to believe that you are enough, even when you’re not overgiving.

How Trauma Therapy Can Help You Stop Being a People Pleaser

Healing from people-pleasing isn’t just about learning to say no—it’s about regulating your nervous system, so saying no doesn’t feel like a life-or-death decision. That’s where somatic therapy comes in.

Unlike traditional talk therapy, somatic approaches like Somatic Experiencing®, EMDR, Brainspotting, and Compassionate Inquiry® work with the body to release stored trauma and rewire survival patterns.

Here’s how these approaches can help:

• Somatic Experiencing® (SE) – Helps you renegotiate trauma stored in the body so your nervous system stops seeing boundaries as threats.

• Brainspotting – Uses eye positioning to access and process subconscious emotional wounds.

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) – Rewires trauma-related beliefs and responses through bilateral stimulation.

• Compassionate Inquiry® – Developed by Dr. Gabor Maté, this approach helps uncover and process unconscious trauma-based patterns.

As Bessel van der Kolk says, “The body keeps the score, but it also holds the key to healing.”

You Don’t Have to Keep Living As a People Pleaser

If you see yourself in this list, you’re not broken—you’re surviving. But you don’t have to keep sacrificing yourself to keep others comfortable. Healing is possible.

If you’re ready to:

Set boundaries without guilt
Stop feeling responsible for everyone else’s emotions
Heal the trauma behind your people-pleasing

…then it’s time to work with a licensed somatic trauma therapist who gets it.

💡 Book a free 15-minute consultation with Shay, a licensed trauma therapist in San Diego, to see if we’re a good fit. Email Shay@overcomeanxietytrauma.com today.

Imposter syndrome is like that one annoying party guest who wasn’t invited but somehow found their way in—and now they won’t stop whispering, “You don’t belong here.” If you’ve ever achieved something amazing (or even just mildly impressive) only to feel like you’re moments away from being exposed as a fraud, you’re not alone. Imposter syndrome and the fear of success often go hand in hand, especially for those with a history of trauma.

But here’s the thing: that voice in your head? It’s not you. It’s a survival response. And it can be healed.

As a trauma therapist specializing in PTSD therapy in San Diego, I’ve helped countless clients break free from the suffocating grip of imposter syndrome using somatic therapy, brainspotting, EMDR, and compassionate inquiry. If you’re tired of self-doubt running the show, keep reading.

The Trauma-Imposter Syndrome Connection

If you have a history of trauma, your nervous system might be wired to see success as a threat. This is where the fear of success comes into play. When you’ve spent years surviving by staying small, being seen—really seen—can feel dangerous.

According to Gabor Maté, “The attempts to escape from pain create more pain.” That means when we try to dodge feelings of inadequacy by overworking, overachieving, or dismissing our success, we’re actually reinforcing the imposter narrative.

Why Traditional Affirmations Don’t Work

If telling yourself, “I am worthy and capable” worked, you wouldn’t be reading this, right? That’s because imposter syndrome isn’t just in your head—it’s in your body. Your nervous system has learned to associate success with risk, and until you work with your body (instead of trying to talk over it), those fears won’t budge.

This is where somatic therapy in San Diego comes in.

How Somatic Therapy Helps You Ditch Imposter Syndrome

Somatic therapy works by addressing trauma where it actually lives: in your nervous system. Here’s how:

1. Somatic Experiencing: Releasing Stuck Survival Energy

Developed by Peter Levine, Somatic Experiencing helps release the survival energy trapped in your body. Trauma isn’t just a bad memory; it’s an unresolved experience stored in your nervous system. By gently guiding you through bodily sensations and micro-movements, we can help your system learn that success is safe.

2. Brainspotting: Targeting the Root of Self-Doubt

Brainspotting (pioneered by David Grand) uses eye positions to access unprocessed trauma. If the idea of stepping into a leadership role, raising your prices, or finally launching that passion project sends you into a spiral of anxiety, brainspotting can help untangle the deep-seated fears keeping you stuck.

3. EMDR: Rewiring Limiting Beliefs

EMDR in San Diego is a powerful tool for healing imposter syndrome. By using bilateral stimulation (eye movements, tapping, or sounds), EMDR helps reprocess traumatic memories and self-limiting beliefs. As Bessel van der Kolkfamously said, “The body keeps the score.” EMDR helps change that score by shifting how your brain stores past experiences.

4. Compassionate Inquiry: Naming the Wound

Developed by Gabor Maté, Compassionate Inquiry helps uncover the unconscious patterns driving imposter syndrome. By gently exploring the origins of your self-doubt, we can challenge and rewrite the narratives that no longer serve you.

5. Nervous System Regulation with Dr. Aimie Apigian’s Work

Dr. Aimie Apigian, a leader in trauma-informed health, teaches that unresolved stored trauma affects every aspect of your life—from your immune system to your ability to step into success. Her work emphasizes the importance of somatic practices to rewire these deep-seated patterns, allowing you to feel safe being seen.

Signs You Might Be Afraid of Success

You might not consciously believe you fear success, but your nervous system might have other ideas. Here are some sneaky signs:

• You downplay your accomplishments (“It was just luck.”)

• You procrastinate or self-sabotage right before a big opportunity

• You feel anxiety when praised or recognized

• You stay in toxic work environments because leaving would mean stepping into the unknown

• You’re constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop

Sound familiar? Let’s talk about what healing actually looks like.

Healing: The Somatic Path to Authentic Success

Healing from imposter syndrome and fear of success isn’t about forcing confidence—it’s about creating safety in success. Here’s what that process can look like:

1. Build Capacity for Feeling Seen

If visibility makes you uneasy, start small. Practice sitting with the discomfort instead of avoiding it. Notice what happens in your body when you receive a compliment. Do you tense up? Shrug it off? Acknowledge it and take a deep breath. This is how we start rewiring those old patterns.

2. Regulate Your Nervous System Daily

Healing isn’t a one-time event—it’s a practice. Somatic tools like grounding exercises, breathwork, and movement help your body learn that success doesn’t have to mean stress.

3. Challenge Your Trauma Narratives

Imposter syndrome is often rooted in early experiences of feeling “not enough.” Working with a somatic therapist in San Diego, you can begin to separate past wounds from present reality.

Ready to Stop Feeling Like a Fraud?

Imposter syndrome doesn’t mean you’re broken—it means your nervous system learned to equate success with risk. The good news? You can unlearn it. Healing is possible, and you don’t have to do it alone.

If you’re ready to move past self-doubt and into self-trust, I invite you to book a free 15-minute consultation. Let’s see if working together feels like a good fit.

📩 Email Shay@overcomeanxietytrauma.com to get started.

Success doesn’t have to feel like a threat. With the right support, it can feel like exactly what it is: yours to claim.

Instead, let me share something a wise friend told me after a brainspotting session. On the subject of ChatCBT, they said:

"You don’t solve trauma by answering questions."

I am a student of Gabor Maté, who reminds us that trauma isn’t what happened to you—it’s what happened inside you because of what happened to you. He also says that trauma is being overwhelmed without someone there to help you through it.

Trauma is relational. Healing happens in relationship.

That’s where ChatCBT—no matter how well-trained—falls short. Therapy isn’t just about asking the right questions or offering logical insights. Healing trauma involves co-regulation, a nervous system-to-nervous system connection that AI simply cannot replicate. This is why I so strongly believe in somatic therapy for trauma.

Trauma gets stored in the body, often below our conscious awareness. I was reminded of this during a somatic experiencing training when I unexpectedly had a flashback. Seeing a colleague standing over me transported me back to a childhood memory I hadn’t thought about in years. Thankfully, I had the tools and the support of my colleague to move through it.

Last year, during a neurodynamic breathwork session I explored a stuck feeling in my rib cage, where I uncovered its connection to my birth trauma. These were not experiences I could have processed alone—let alone with an algorithm.

If trauma is stored in the body and healed through connection, what happens when people turn to AI instead of humans for emotional support? I believe there are some issues that can start to be explored using logic and I also believe so many of our mental health issues have some element of interpersonal disconnect at their heart.

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Have you tried using ChatCBT for emotional processing? Did it help, or did something feel missing?

In today’s turbulent world, many individuals are experiencing profound stress as their very right to exist is being threatened. This week a client of mine wanted me to hear some history for fear she would be exterminated and the information would die with her. It is because of that conversation with her that I am writing this blog. I want her to know she isn’t alone and to share a little of the history.

When a group of people is dehumanized—when their identity, safety, and dignity are called into question—it creates an overwhelming sense of fear, uncertainty, and trauma. The impact of such dehumanization goes beyond politics; it seeps into the nervous system, creating chronic stress that affects both mental and physical health.

As a somatic trauma therapist in San Diego, I’ve seen firsthand how deeply oppression and systemic violence can impact the body and mind. This article explores the link between stress, safety, and trauma while offering practical ways to foster healing.

The remainder of the blog is on my website at https://overcomeanxietytrauma.com

If you are interested in reading more please check it out. Let’s support each other as we can.

Thank you for being here.

I have enabled chat so if there is a subject you would like to hear more about please let me know.

Warmly,

Shay